the Word of Life...

Dear brothers and sisters... Do you love the Lord... do you seek to magnify Him in everything, in all parts of your life, in your inner most being... do you believe His word is truth... is it real to you... do you cling to it for life... do you agree with everything it says... do you live by it... would you die by it... does it compell you to be what it says... do you believe in the power it says it holds... do you claim all of it's words for yourself... do you seek to understand it more with every breath... does it pour out of your life... does it ooze out of you... does it burn inside of you consuming you... does it burn bright so that it lights a path for others to see... do you thirst for God... do you long to emerse yourself in his presence... does your life cry out to Him... do you find yourself in Him... is He your identity... does He make you feel alive

conflicted

I don't know about you but sometimes I just don't know what to think or feel. I feel so pulled by different thoughts and Ideals and wants and such. I do know one thing, I want to please my father in heaven, I want to breathe Him, I want to "be his fragrance" (2 cor 2:14-15), I want to live at peace, I want to be full of joy, I want to enjoy my family, I want to share life with others daily...

I constantly find myself going back and forth between two kinds of lifestyles. On one side I desire so much for simplicity. In everything just to be simple. Not as in an easy life but as in in contrast to the busy, stressful, over extended, commercial, American life. Sometimes I just want to give it all up, get rid of so much we don't NEED, downsize our lifestyle to a minimum and not care anything about what we have or don't compared to others, how new or old anything is, how big or small, how fancy or dull, etc. I mean what does it really matter? At what "cost" do we live in our current lifestyle? Not that we ourselves or in such lavish living but we are living above our means regretfully. When I am in this thinking, it also brings out my desire to do missions. I know one day I think it would be really cool to live as missionaries in another country. When and where that would be, I have no idea.

The other lifestyle I go between from the simple one is one in which we are somehow able to take financial blessings in which we have been given and buy a large plot of land here and build a big house for the purpose of ministering to our family, friends, and the people we meet from day to day. This house would be designed for entertainment, social flow, large game room, lots of ammenities, etc. We would constantly be inviting people to come over and hang out and make use of whatever we may have. Part of me so wants to have this house. I have taken a lot of time designing it and dreaming about it. I have such a heart for community and I think it would just be so awesome to be able to have something like that to be able to share with others and bless others.

But then when I get into my simplicity thinking, I am like "why does anyone really need that stuff? I mean yeah it is fun and it can bless people who don't have those things and it can provide plenty of opportunities for relationships to build and blossom and a lot of good can from it. But all the stuff would provide is not a NEED for anyone." I mean if I had the kind of money to be able to do that then there are a lot more things I could do with it that could help a LOT more people in much more IMPORTANT ways.

So then I get all confused on what I really want to do. What goal do I want to work and save for? What do we want to spend our money on? I know living here in the U.S. with our ways of life and commercialism, you almost have to live the way we do because it is just the norm. It is like an illness. I mean think of how much stuff you have in your house that you really could live without, that you barely ever use, that is still packed in boxes, that sits on a shelf collecting dust, that you have 2 or 3 or 4 of, that is just takes up space, etc. We could prolly all stand to be a lot more frugal.

Not that it's wrong to have all that stuff or that it doesn't provide something for us in life but sometimes I just want to get rid of it all, everything I don't need and just strip down to what is necessary and beneficial for our goals in life.

Anyway, I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do. Any thoughts or insights from anyone? I just keep praying to God to show me where to follow Him every day. What daily decisions we should make to lead us down the path that He sees our family going.

Quiet Time

OK, it has been a while since I posted, I know. Anyway, I chose to have a quiet time today after a long hiatus of them. And I just have to post something about it because it was funny- ironic.

I have not really been craving a QT lately. I talk to God throughout the day all the time, but I am talking about a set aside time for just us. Where I study His word or seek to hear from Him in some other way, or sit and worship Him for a while. I mean to be honest, most of the time I feel it is a waste of time and I don't get anything out of it and that it doesn't really matter. There is nothing that draws me into desiring to have it when I feel it will be boring or repetitive, etc. Now, I "know" that what we get out of the QT is not what is important, it should not be the reason for having one. The reason for having one is to show God we love Him and honor Him and desire to obey Him. To respect Him and bring Him joy.

Well, today when I thought about it, I really thought about it. Do I really love God? Do I really desire to please Him and honor Him? To I want to be obedient to what He calls me too? If so, then I should be spending that time with Him no matter what. The whole intention of me coming before Him should be for His glory and honor above all else. If God never does anything else for me, I still have reason to glorify Him and praise Him and honor Him! It is good for my mind, body, heart, and soul to daily humble myself before Him and give Him praise and adoration and show Him that above all else, He is important to me. If anything else comes from that time with Him, then that is just bonus and it is to be used for His glory in some form somehow anyway. It is all about Him and not about me.

So that is the attitude I had when I decided to pick up my bible study tonight. Then, I sat down and prayed, "God, if nothing else comes from this time tonight, may you feel joy and honor. I just want to make you smile! Know that I love you" Then, I proceeded to do the study. The funniest thing... the next study in my book that I left off on months ago was titled this "What is getting my Attention?" And then the first thing it asked was if some of our thoughts when going to church are "Am I going to be encouraged?" "Am I going to like the music?" "Am I going to be taught anything?" etc. Where everything was me focused. We focus too much on what we still want to have instead of focusing on what we have already been given. It is all in your perspective. We can choose where we focus our attention!

We shouldn't WORRY about what we still want to have or get from God. He PROMISES to finish the work He started in us (Phil 1:6). If we have faith in what He says then we should just be able to be at peace and rest in His love and grace and give Him thanks for where He has brought us thus far. What has God done for you? Share it with someone. In Philemon in says that we should be ACTIVE in sharing our faith so that we can fully understand what we have been given as believers. I read that and thought it was really cool. Because for me, the proof is in the pudding a lot of the time. If I don't see it lived out and working, then I have trouble having faith in it. So, I look to others, I look for proof. I will wait to see others being active in faith so I can then have the faith. Sometimes I need to be the one who jumps out and shares the faith I do possess. And when I do, my purpose should not be me focused or worldly focused. I should be doing all things as if unto the Lord. And then because of my love and desire and obedience to God, others might be blessed as well as my life be blessed and increase in faith.

God does not desire us to sit around being stagnet Christians. He wants us all to be on a journey with Him. He wants us to grow. He wants us to seek more of Him of course, yet He also wants us to be content with what we have and who we are and what He has done with us already. We don't hide our faith, sit on our faith, or be grudgy over not having enough of it... we live it out, we walk in it, we share it, we praise God for it! Are you being active in your faith and thankful for it? Make your faith come alive and life will come to you. Just keep your focus on loving God and giving Him praise and Honor. With that as your purpose, you can not be let down!

motherhood

i think that being a mom makes you realize just how much you are not in control of things

within

struggling

discontent

wavering

wanting

crushed

perplexed

dry

frustrated

disconnected

Inside Out

'we are to live in such a way that demands a gospel explanation' this is a quote I read from facebook the other day from @aaronivey. I thought is was really cool and it made me think. Does your life and the things you do in it require the presentation of the gospel just to be understood? I wish I could say mine does. But I know that would be far from the case. I mean, I am sure it does sometimes, to some people. But on the whole, I could use some major overhaul of attitude, thoughts, self-control, speech, actions, etc. Then today at church in our study on the book of James. @kylegoen preached an awesome message on taming the tongue. (which you should totally go watch at www.lifepoint.org) It fit so well with that little nugget from Aaron. First off, during the worship, one of the songs we sang:
Inside Out by Hillsong United:
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out,
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out.

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out,
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out.

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

I love that line. "Consume me from the inside out". Man how I want to be consumed by him. So on fire for Him and the things that He loves! Oh to feel like that again. It has been a while. Not just to have that feeling for a few hours or days. But I mean to really be immersed in it every day where my life spills out Jesus everywhere I go and in everything I do. If I am on fire for God, that fire should be catching on. As Kyle said this morning, fire (when it is free) can duplicate itself and will consume whatever is in its path. My life should be causing others to be consumed as well. The things I do, say, laugh at, get frustrated with, spend my time on, how I respond to things, etc all should be proclaiming His name in some way. To make people think and notice that something is different.

So anyway, I just want to say that I am proclaiming today that this week is going to be different. I can't say exactly what that looks like in entirety but I will be changing up some things a bit from what I have been doing lately. Starting with getting back to quiet times of course! And hitting the gym and laying off the unnecessary extra sweets. And watching my tongue extra carefully in the anger, negativity, complaining department, hehe. And doing a better job of what I am "putting in" so that what "comes out" is what I want to shine and not something I don't want. Among so much more, but you get what I mean. Only through the Lord's strength! Anyway, enough for now. Good night!

summer update

Man it has been a really long time for me to post something. I was going to a few times but never made it and then most of the time I just didnt feel like doing it.

Life has been interesting this year. I can't believe its about to be July already, man the time has flown. Taylor is going to be 5 months old this week! She is still such a sweetie. She isn't growing very fast but she is a huggable lovable super cutie that steals our hearts every day! She still doesnt like tummy time, she has rolled over a few times front to back but not the other way yet. She is content to just lay there and play with her hands and feet or a toy. The other day she looked at Ethan and started cracking up. Then looked at Jacey and back at Ethan, the whole time just laughing a lot. We have never heard her do that and it was the cutest thing ever. (I think she pooed right before and thought it was funny and the kids make her smile a lot so yeah.) She sleeps great through the night like 12-13 hours. She will wake up and just lie there quietly until I come and get her up. Who knows how long she is awake before I go in there sometimes. She is so quiet.

The kids and I have been having a lot of fun doing summer things. My 12 yr old "nephew", Jesse, from TX is here staying with us for a month. He is a great kid and we enjoy having him here. We miss them living near us. Ethan keeps wanting to do school stuff. I have to keep telling him that it is summer time and we are taking a break for a bit and that we can do some soon, lol. He is doing a summer reading program through the library and is enjoying that. Jacey is still frustrating me to no end. I think this week I am going to start her over with the whole potty training thing like she is 2 yrs old. Between that issue and her tantrums, i think she really is the child that was put here to grow my character, lol (or show my lack of at times). She did get to try gymnastics for the first time last week. She had a lot of fun and while we were there Ethan took tons of pics of her and loved watching everyone there. He wanted to try it to so we went back another day for him. He had fun too. He loved the rings. The whole time we were there for Ethan's class, she was dying to be out there too. So, we are signing them both up for weekly lessons for the rest of the summer.

Erick has a busy summer with the band. They auditioned a drummer last week. He is from the St. Louis area. He and his wife came down for the weekend and stayed with us. They are great people and we enjoyed having them here. The audition went really well and if all goes well, they will be moving to the Nashville area. The band has a lot of shows booked for July. the just had one this weekend that went really well. The radio single is doing alright for a first release from an unknown indie band. So I guess we will see what happens from here.

I am alright. Should be a lot better, but could be doing a lot worse, hehe. Ben slacking BIG TIME in the work out dept. I sooooo need to get back to the gym. I have not felt motivated for it. I have also been eating poorly for months now and I have actually gained some weight. (and I haven't even finished losing baby weight). I have also not had a quiet time in a really long time. Which is prolly noticable just in the fact that I haven't had a dying urge to write. I have not been reading either. I have just been vegging every night instead. And I have been sleeping in every morning. I was getting woken up so many times so often that it was sooo nice to finally get some sleep and be able to sleep in. I mean I can sleep till like 9 with Taylor, it is AWESOME! So I have been taking advantage of that opportunity with it being summer and all. I know that sok to do sometimes, but I should still keep my priorities in line. So anyway I am pledging this week to be diff. Read my next post for more info.

There is still a lot going on the rest of the summer. We will keep you all updated as we can. Love to all.