conflicted

I don't know about you but sometimes I just don't know what to think or feel. I feel so pulled by different thoughts and Ideals and wants and such. I do know one thing, I want to please my father in heaven, I want to breathe Him, I want to "be his fragrance" (2 cor 2:14-15), I want to live at peace, I want to be full of joy, I want to enjoy my family, I want to share life with others daily...

I constantly find myself going back and forth between two kinds of lifestyles. On one side I desire so much for simplicity. In everything just to be simple. Not as in an easy life but as in in contrast to the busy, stressful, over extended, commercial, American life. Sometimes I just want to give it all up, get rid of so much we don't NEED, downsize our lifestyle to a minimum and not care anything about what we have or don't compared to others, how new or old anything is, how big or small, how fancy or dull, etc. I mean what does it really matter? At what "cost" do we live in our current lifestyle? Not that we ourselves or in such lavish living but we are living above our means regretfully. When I am in this thinking, it also brings out my desire to do missions. I know one day I think it would be really cool to live as missionaries in another country. When and where that would be, I have no idea.

The other lifestyle I go between from the simple one is one in which we are somehow able to take financial blessings in which we have been given and buy a large plot of land here and build a big house for the purpose of ministering to our family, friends, and the people we meet from day to day. This house would be designed for entertainment, social flow, large game room, lots of ammenities, etc. We would constantly be inviting people to come over and hang out and make use of whatever we may have. Part of me so wants to have this house. I have taken a lot of time designing it and dreaming about it. I have such a heart for community and I think it would just be so awesome to be able to have something like that to be able to share with others and bless others.

But then when I get into my simplicity thinking, I am like "why does anyone really need that stuff? I mean yeah it is fun and it can bless people who don't have those things and it can provide plenty of opportunities for relationships to build and blossom and a lot of good can from it. But all the stuff would provide is not a NEED for anyone." I mean if I had the kind of money to be able to do that then there are a lot more things I could do with it that could help a LOT more people in much more IMPORTANT ways.

So then I get all confused on what I really want to do. What goal do I want to work and save for? What do we want to spend our money on? I know living here in the U.S. with our ways of life and commercialism, you almost have to live the way we do because it is just the norm. It is like an illness. I mean think of how much stuff you have in your house that you really could live without, that you barely ever use, that is still packed in boxes, that sits on a shelf collecting dust, that you have 2 or 3 or 4 of, that is just takes up space, etc. We could prolly all stand to be a lot more frugal.

Not that it's wrong to have all that stuff or that it doesn't provide something for us in life but sometimes I just want to get rid of it all, everything I don't need and just strip down to what is necessary and beneficial for our goals in life.

Anyway, I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do. Any thoughts or insights from anyone? I just keep praying to God to show me where to follow Him every day. What daily decisions we should make to lead us down the path that He sees our family going.