Marriage tidbits

Ok, one of the things I will be writing about a lot on here will be Marriage. My husband and I have a huge passion for helping marriages recently and it is something we are praying about getting involved in more seriously. We have had quite a bumpy road in the past and God has done so much to bring us through it. We will be married 8 years in April but it has not been easy and we give God credit for us still being together.

Our church, LifePoint Church, in Smyrna TN just started a series on marriage and relationships. The pastor is going through Song of Solomon on Sunday mornings and all the small groups are going through Fireproof and the Love Dare. Now is you do not know what those last two are, they are studies that come from the movie Fireproof that came out last year. The movie is about a couple who is struggling in their marriage and in the midst of trying to get a divorce God uses people in their lives to intervene and restore their marriage. It is a powerful awesome movie and if you have not seen it I HIGHLY recommend doing so. We were excited that the church was doing this study and really wanted to be used in it so we decided to become a small group host. This will be our first time hosting a group and we are looking forward to it.

Anyway, it is funny how God works. Yesterday I was sitting around with my newborn, trying to get her to sleep so I randomly decided to turn on the TV to find something to entertain me while doing so. Now, we only have the basic 20 or so channels on cable right now and it was like 4:00 in the afternoon, so this was not an easy task, lol. As I was flipping I got to TBN (which I like barely watch) and saw Stephen Baldwin on there and decided to stop and watch a bit. Well, I am so glad I did. I ended up watching the whole hour of TV they had on there, the Praise the Lord show. It was a special valentine's day episode form last year I believe and it was great. Besides Stephen and his wife, they had another couple in ministry that I can't recall, and they had the author of Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, Mark Gungor. I got a lot of great little tidbits watching the show and all of it fits right in with our current study with Song of Solomon, Fireproof and Love Dare. Some of the things I gobbled up were:

1. Mark was talking about how specializes in helping women understand men and he went on to discuss what to do to get a man to do what you want.
a. tell him what you want
b. tell him more than once
c. don't embarrass him or put him down
He was saying that women have this idea in their head that "IF he really LOVES me then he will KNOW what I want or need". And I agree with that. We do seem to think that a lot, and unhealthily. We don't want to have to tell a man to do something or that we want something. We want him to know to do it and to want to do it. Mark says that guys don't know we want it and most likely they don't want to do it, lol. He went on to say that even after you tell him what you want, you will need to tell him again because most of the time he wont remember what you said. He mentioned how we as women will get all mad after telling him something and it not getting done; that we just get madder and madder convinced that he remembers and just isn't doing it. Which I agree with as well. I mean first off we don't want to have to tell him, and we finally break down and tell him. Then it still doesn't get done and we just can't take it. We start thinking negative thoughts towards our mates and building up all sorts of negative energy thinking that he was the one that is being negative to us first by ignoring us or not listening or not caring when really he just plum forgot or didn't hear you correctly the first time or didn't understand the urgency because we didn't relay it properly. It is interesting to hear that this is all a normal way for a man to act and it isn't just our husband treating us poorly or that we chose a bad apple, etc. For me, knowing that this is so common has opened me up to want to act and respond differently with my husband from now on and stop comparing him to other "ideals" I have in my head from TV, movies, other people, personal expectations, etc. Now just because there is a reason behind the madness doesn't excuse the behavior. I think we should still work together and communicate what is important to us and that we want him to try to listen better and respond quicker to the things we ask if it really bothers us that much. Marriage is hard work and takes a lot of communication, understanding and compromise. And it is about us helping each other to become better and holier and closer to God. If there is something we can do to inspire and encourage our mate to walk closer with God, then we should do it. But we need to go about it the right way. Now, when we tell him something and it doesnt get done and we get all mad and get to the point of putting him down, that really wont get anything accomplished, it will only put more of a rift between you two. As I have learned through lots of study and sermons and books, men crave RESPECT the most out of anything. When we respect them, they feel loved and cherished. If we go and put them down, call them names, embarrass them, etc then that is just ripping at the heart of who they are and will not encourage him to act and respond the way you want him to. Find a way to respect your man and see the changes that come. This is something I am going to be working on improving for our marriage. Mark also took these lessons and related them to our relationship with God. The bible talks about asking for what you want. Now God DOES KNOW what we want but He still requires us to ASK Him for it. And it talks about asking for things multiple times. Do we have a problem asking God for things? Do we hate having to ask over and over again? When we do not get what we want from God how do we respond? Do we put Him down and disrespect Him? Do we let it effect us as a person, change who we are, and turn away from him?

2. Another nugget I got from watching this show was how important it was to die to selfishness and pay attention to ourselves and not our mate when it comes to sin. It is that whole plank in your eye speck in his sort of thing. Stephen Baldwin's wife was talking about when they became born again. (in my words from what i remember) She was saved a year before he was and over that year she first told him that she was now following Christ no matter what he chose to do and then from there she prayed for him. As she would learn things in her journey, she would keep noticing his sinful life and be looking at him until one day she got to the point where she realized how "ugly" she was, how sinful her life was in itself and she knew that she didn't need to look at anyone else but herself and work on cleansing herself in Jesus. From then on , she just focused on her life in Jesus and being who she was to be in Him and eventually from that her husband was won over to the Lord. You know we can't change anyone but ourself; and really only God can even do that. As we submit ourselves daily to Him and walk in His ways, we will be molded to His image. But to do that we must do away with ourself, we must lay down everything we are and everything we hold on to and lay ourselves at His feet to be used however He desires. In this there is no more pointing of fingers, demandingness, grudges, hate, and self-pitty. There is love, peace, forgiveness, patience, and submission. I think to even attempt to get #1 above down right we must get this down first. When we get out of the way and stop being selfish and focusing on our fleshy needs and desires and start just serving God, it should be much easier to deal with our mates. Instead of caring and focusing so much on how our mate is making us feel, we will just do what we need to do to get done what needs to be done- work on our personal walk with Jesus, love our mate, and live our life. Take the focus off ourselves and put it on the situation at hand.

3. Which brings me to yet another point. Mark stated how what women want is just to be chosen. He compared a woman's life to a junior high dance. Where all the girls are standing around just waiting and longing to be the one chosen to dance. He went on to say that at a wedding it is a big celebration of that being chosen. The girl gets all pretty and her friends celebrate with her that she was chosen. They are so happy for her but envious at the same time. I totally agree with this truth. I have heard this sort of thing from many a sermon and books too, but I also know it to be true in my own life. How we long to be special, important, needed, desired, noticed, and chosen as women. Even my young daughter is always spinning around the room dancing saying look at me, look at me. Mark goes on to say that when we get married we are so excited that we were chosen but then soon after that it seems like he stops choosing us. Our men get consumed by other things in their life besides pursuing us and we feel left out and unloved. We just want to continually know that we are being chosen. So taking this truth together with everything stated above, can you see the problem? We as women need to watch our motives. I know in my case I probably make more of my own messes and stress than I realize. I am sure there are times when I make up something that needs to be done and make it feel like such a big deal if it doesn't, when in reality, subconsciously, I am just seeking a way for my husband to show me that he loves me, that he listens to me, that he chooses me, that I am important. So when he fails to respond how I want him to, Satan has a perfect foothold and I am drawn into that self-pitty, pointing fingers, hateful mentality that will destroy our marriage. When you ask something of your husband or wish something of him, what is it that you are really seeking? What kind of need are you trying to fill? Is it love? or Is it productiveness in something? If your goal is to get the house cleaned, then dont make it about you- make it about the house. If your husband doesnt jump at cleaning, don't take personal offense to it. I mean come on, we dont like cleaning the house either most likely. If your goal is to have a break and de-stress yourself, then dont make it about how well something gets done or doesn't get done while he is in charge. Be happy that you had time to yourself like you wanted and don't complain about everything else. When we talk to our mates and ask something of them, we should be specific in what we are asking for and what our desired result is. If it is something that we really need for ourselves and we want to be loved through it, then explain that. If we just need something to get done then explain that and why it is important and what result we want from it.

Now i know this all seems easy enough; but dont get mad at me women, cuz I know personally how hard it is. I am one of the worst at doing all this the wrong way, lol. These are all things I need to work on in my personal walk as well as my marriage and if any of you out there want to jump in we can help each other and spur each other on to being better wives in these ways. You husbands out there reading this as well can do the same for what is relevant to you. Try to show her every day that you still chose her.

So here is a challenge for the week even though it's already Tuesday. Ladies ask for what you want or need from your man and explain it properly and Fellas listen to your wives and respond quickly.

Now there was so much more I got out of that show and other things like the sermon Sunday and the studies and personal revelations, that I could just go on all day. But I will stop now (though that is tough to do) and save them for another time as this has become quite long. I hope you enjoyed reading this and will continue to stop by for other blogs. Have a blessed day

In His Grip
Chrissy